Fun with Constituents

Who would vote for Hillary? For Obama? For Huckaby?

In this very early season of overly zealous candidate posturing, you can bet that demographic studies and surveys are being administered by the various presidential candidates at a manic pace. Each man or woman (they ya go, Hillary) running this time around wants to know EXACTLY who they appeal to, who they do not appeal to, and who is undecided, so that they can change their message, their itinerary, or their look to meet the perceived needs and tastes of a specific demographic niche. The male Clinton went on the now defunct Arsenio Hall show and "played" (with great help from the band and a sound mixer) the saxophone, and sadly, Huckaby recently pulled the "I play a cool instrument" ploy and played his bass on the I Got a Huge Chin late night program. The point being made is that prospective candidates can and usually will do some crazy things to appeal to all. Of course, we know that many of these vain attempts just come off as juvenile and overly contrived.

So, in the quest for more comedy, various lists will now be made to help some of the candidates see what they can do to appeal to different demographic groups. Read on in a spirit of fun...

Top 5 things Hillary needs to do to appeal to the Hip Hop crowd:
5. Shave that moustache
4. Develop her own finger signs (just avoid the one you use for Bill)
3. Employ the use of a '62, slammed Impala when riding from the airport to the speaking engagement location. Make it blue pearl, with a white interior. Don't slack on the dubs.
2. Get Flavor Flave to emcee a hood joint par-tay in Compton, replete with chicken and waffles. Get Gore to karaoke "Bust a Move" in the back yard.
1. Try not to make any more pseudo-racist remarks about Obama, at least until after the election.

Top 5 ways Huckaby might appeal to Muslim's:
5. Try to avoid using a copy of the Q'uran as a coaster
4. Lay off the "Mohammad sucks" remarks when passing a mosque
3. Go to Mecca, buy a coke, look around, pose for a few photo's, and return home. No big whup.
2. Get a really dark tan. Wear sandals more often.
1. Avoid using the words "Hell" and "Islam" on the same day, especially if the liberal media is around.

Top 5 ways Obama could appeal to white, middle aged, church-goin' women:
5. Somehow, very quietly, let it slip out that you may in fact be part Cuban.
4. Avoid using the Bible as a coaster
3. Go on Martha Stewart's show and share your pot roast recipe
2. Drop Oprah. Pick up Barbara Bush.
1. Eat at Ruby Tuesday's every Thursday for lunch. Wear a red hat.

Top 5 ways Thompson may appeal to the pacifist, anti-war, anti-gun, tree hugging crowd:
5. Lay off the growling
4. Remove the Green Peace bumper sticker from the toilet seat in your RV.
3. Don't wear your revolver the next time you do a sit down with Matt Lauer.
2. Replace the Rib eye lunch special with an organic salad and bean sprout, tofu enhanced soup. (just have an aid ready with a big mac and fries in the limo)
1. Offer to take AlGore on a free trip to the Arctic to find that polar bear that is supposedly drowning amidst the melting glaciers. Just you and him. Once there, what to do next will just come to you.

Well candidates, read, implement, and hope for the best. Possibly some of your other running mates will receive similar advice in the near future.